I Have 3 Children on Earth and 1 In Heaven

 

    The hardest question a mother or father has to answer after losing a child is, "How many children do you have?" When someone ask you that it's the feeling of time stopping and everyone but you has froze waiting for an answer. I remember the first time someone asked me that after losing Monkey and I didn't know what to say. Ir-realistically you just want everyone to know not to ask you that. But then you realize not everyone knows your story. My day could be going great and just spiking up conversation with a stranger would lead to a question that could ruin your whole day.

                                                      How Many Children Do You Have?


     For me I knew then, that I had birthed 3 children. I had bathed, clothed and fed 3 children. Three children had traveled through my womb. Hell I still put his name on card to loved ones. After Monkey passed though my thoughts were, "now what do I say?".   It wasn't until a therapy session that I became aware of how difficult and uncomfortable that question made me feel. If I say 2 am disowning Monkey?  If I say 3 how do I explain the questions after that? Then you don't want to go into a whole explanation of everything that transpired behind you loss. So now what?

     Now when someone asks me that question I say, "I have 4 children 3 on earth 1 in heaven." Its straight and to the point. I still get that uncomfortable stare though after that statement. Because when I say it, it leaves the other person wanting to ask what, when and how. But I say it so quickly and proudly the question doesn't fit the tone of the conversation.

     A lot of people are unaware of how difficult that question is and a lot of parents who have loss children don't realize how difficult that question is until the first time its asked. It takes soo much out of a parent to come up with ways to make sure they are never not acknowledging a child who is no longer here physically. I love talking about my son so much it could become difficult for others to even know he is no longer here. Talking about your loved one is therapy within itself.

    As Mothers Day approaches and you get all those cards and gifts for being a great mom, it feels really good. You save face for the ones who are showing you love but in your heart you know there is a heartbeat missing. There is a person that would call you mom that is no longer here. In those moments all I could suggest is take the time you need. And when someone asks you that question, simply replay "I have _ children on earth and _ in heaven"