With Age Comes Wisdom

   This weekend has been a hectic yet pleasing couple of days. On Thursday the 19th my oldest son went to his junior prom and on Friday the 20th my daughter went to her senior prom.  As I watch them grow so nicely its weird. I mean of course I know my children have to grow and will soon become adults, but as a parent it seems like the time just went way too fast. It's soo bittersweet watching them turn into adults.  Now they don't need me for much and that make me kind of sad.

     I absolutely love being a mom. If I could, I would have at least 2 more children. The feeling of this little human needing me warms my heart. Now as Leah approaches 3 years old it makes me nervous. I mean now she's feeding herself, putting on her own shoes, telling me what food she wants to eat, she even knows to tell me she's sleepy.  She's growing up right before my eyes and I'm soo scared. My teenagers are now going on dates and finding jobs, all while not really wanting to hang out with mom and dad soo much,,,Somebody heeeellllppppp!!!!!  The world can be soo cruel and since I can't be there wherever they go and defend them in the moment of every person who may offend them, I'll be the first to admit it, I'm scared. I think all parents have this anxiety. I hope all parents have this anxiety, ha ha ha. 

     Am I the only one who finds myself saying some of the things I heard my parents say?  Its soo funny because right after I say it I laugh.  It's kind of a shock when I have to say out loud I have a 18 year old daughter.  I always prayed to get here but now that I'm here it's like where has the time went, and why didn't anyone tell me it would pass by so fast. Oh wait my parents did tell me but since I was just a child, time wasn't a concern. Now as I tell my children the same thing it feels like history repeating itself and time doesn't concern them either. I guess the old saying "With age comes wisdom" is really accurate. But unfortunately it doesn't makes since until we're up in age, ughhhh.

  There are several books published that give parenting tips and advice. But lets be real, there really is no book that can prepare you for the emotions of being a parent. And there definitely is nothing that could've prepared me for this constant anxiety and worry. There also is no such thing as perfect parents. It's the imperfections that makes us such great parents. Parenting is a "learn while you go" job. And even though my work started at the age of 18 in 1998 (which seems like forever ago), I still don't know it all and I'm okay with that.  I'm also okay with knowing that there is no retirement from parenting.  Remember my loves we in this thing called parenting, "From the Cradle to the Grave."  

   

I Have 3 Children on Earth and 1 In Heaven

 

    The hardest question a mother or father has to answer after losing a child is, "How many children do you have?" When someone ask you that it's the feeling of time stopping and everyone but you has froze waiting for an answer. I remember the first time someone asked me that after losing Monkey and I didn't know what to say. Ir-realistically you just want everyone to know not to ask you that. But then you realize not everyone knows your story. My day could be going great and just spiking up conversation with a stranger would lead to a question that could ruin your whole day.

                                                      How Many Children Do You Have?


     For me I knew then, that I had birthed 3 children. I had bathed, clothed and fed 3 children. Three children had traveled through my womb. Hell I still put his name on card to loved ones. After Monkey passed though my thoughts were, "now what do I say?".   It wasn't until a therapy session that I became aware of how difficult and uncomfortable that question made me feel. If I say 2 am disowning Monkey?  If I say 3 how do I explain the questions after that? Then you don't want to go into a whole explanation of everything that transpired behind you loss. So now what?

     Now when someone asks me that question I say, "I have 4 children 3 on earth 1 in heaven." Its straight and to the point. I still get that uncomfortable stare though after that statement. Because when I say it, it leaves the other person wanting to ask what, when and how. But I say it so quickly and proudly the question doesn't fit the tone of the conversation.

     A lot of people are unaware of how difficult that question is and a lot of parents who have loss children don't realize how difficult that question is until the first time its asked. It takes soo much out of a parent to come up with ways to make sure they are never not acknowledging a child who is no longer here physically. I love talking about my son so much it could become difficult for others to even know he is no longer here. Talking about your loved one is therapy within itself.

    As Mothers Day approaches and you get all those cards and gifts for being a great mom, it feels really good. You save face for the ones who are showing you love but in your heart you know there is a heartbeat missing. There is a person that would call you mom that is no longer here. In those moments all I could suggest is take the time you need. And when someone asks you that question, simply replay "I have _ children on earth and _ in heaven"