Everything happens for a reason; don't stop keep going

    Hey everyone! I know it has been awhile since the last time on here, but today I felt compelled to write today on my most recent thoughts and experiences. This past week in particular. So Myasia turned 19 and Man-Man turned 18 last week. Talk about time flying when your having fun. I feel like my babies are not babies anymore. I know I am not the only mother who gets sad as their children get older, but I feel alone in it. I think the one that really hit me is Man Man my last son. I feel like he no longer needs me. Now I know that is not true but that is how it feels. I love having my children around and when the house is too quiet I get anxiety. I start to clean and half way through trying to find things to dig into corners to clean, I realize "I'm having a moment". It is sooo bad ya'll. He graduates this year and the relationship is not like I have with Myasia, because he is a boy becoming a man. I truthfully do not feel like the mom of a 19 and 18 year old, and I don't look it either (lol).

     This weekend me and Myasia went to get matching tattoos. This is her very first tattoo so I made sure it was something small and easy to hide if need be. As you all know I have suffered with depression even though it is rarely addressed in black households/communities. I've had some therapy but after a while I stopped going. Recently Myasia was diagnosed as well. It has been a hard road but I tell her daily, "we survived what was meant to kill/stop us". So initially we were going to get semicolon tattoos. The semicolon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to. For us and her it speaks volumes. The author is us and the sentence is our life. Now the semicolon was enough but we added the letters "ehfar" which stands for "everything happens for a reason". Together with the semicolon our tattoo now represents, "everything happens for a reason don't stop keep going". Yessssssssss!!!!!!  Something so small says soo much and is now a phrase we can look at daily as positive motivation.

     Now I know I keep my game-face on soo much my children must think I have some super powers and they have to be strong because I portray to be, but that is soo far from the truth. I was raised in an old school household where pain wasn't something you saw frequently. Even when my son passed I say my grandmother cry for the first time, but she wiped the tear before it even had a chance to roll down her cheek. So strength and masking pain was something I had become accustomed too. I now realize that does more damage than help.  So I make sure I cry with and/or in front of the kids every now and then. Not to make them feel bad, but so they know it is okay to show your feelings and have weak moments and they are not alone in this. We are entitled to that.

     The black community has become victim to the "just pray about it" phase that we are hurting our daughters and creating sons who become affectionate-less men. We have been made to believe that therapy or depression is a bad thing. It is not though. It comes with living a life that is not perfect and not meant to be. We must embrace the tough times in order to appreciate the good times. It is absolutely nothing wrong with praying about a situation, that is great, but we should also seek therapy. Whether its a weekly family/friends session with someone who exudes strength but doesn't shy away from weakness. You can also seek professional help from a medical facility. Just get help. My daughter has become my therapist, and she doesn't even know it. We feed off each other a lot. And I am glad she knows its okay to cry and laugh in the same moment with no feeling of guilt. We are human we all feel pain and no man, woman, boy or girl should go through that alone. If no one told you today "I Love You" now go tell someone you love them or give out hugs. You never know you just may save a life.

     Soo I know I have been kind of lazy on blogging and keeping everyone up with everything and I apologize. I'm just getting over those "August Blues".  But I promise going forward to write at least once a week. So today me and my daughters went to see my son. This was a big deal only because my oldest daughter Myasia hasn't been to cemetery since we buried Monkey 5 years ago. She said she recently had a dream about him and it felt so real.  I thought this would be a way she could feel like she was visiting him to help her cope. I think it was a good idea and she was okay. Of course a lot of tears as normal but after that it was like a picnic in the park. 

     This year made 5 years since Monkey passed and it all came full circle.  Everything happened on the exact date and day as it did then. That is one of the reasons I called this August "August Blues". I went through a full a week of remembering each day and second and trying to recollect everything as it happened then. All I was really doing was torturing myself. I could only imagine what Myasia was going through. It's so hard attempting to make sure everyone else is okay and have no one to really check on you.  The one person I did have was my grandma and she is no longer here.

     I know it's difficult for someone who has never been in our shoes to understand our pain or sadness. I don't expect understanding just a little empathy. Any day at any time anyone we love can leave this earth without notice. Me experiencing that has allowed me to love a little harder and empathize a little easier with others. But at the same time it has hardened me. It makes me feel like I've survived that which I was not supposed to and nothing can compare to that. 

     I watched Steel Magnolias last night and no matter how many times I watch it, I cry the ugly cry after Shelby dies. When her mom screams in the graveyard and says she feels like she is gonna lose it, even though it was a movie she nailed that scene. She did what I feel inside daily but I keep faking it and paint a smile on my face for the comfort of those who just don't understand.  I guess I said all that to say this... I've learned through my misfortune and heartbreak that in times when I feel sad, it's okay. And when there is times I want to cry and be left alone, It's okay. And if you are supporting someone that is going through something similar, try not to make it about you. Allow them to go through what they need to go through and I promise they will talk to you when they are ready. Dont be pushy.  People handle grief differently and just because you don't actually see them crying and being upset doesn't mean they aren't. It just means they fake it really really well.   

    Not everyday is a sad day for me. But I do have at least 1 sad moment a day that most people will never see. Until next time.

With Age Comes Wisdom

   This weekend has been a hectic yet pleasing couple of days. On Thursday the 19th my oldest son went to his junior prom and on Friday the 20th my daughter went to her senior prom.  As I watch them grow so nicely its weird. I mean of course I know my children have to grow and will soon become adults, but as a parent it seems like the time just went way too fast. It's soo bittersweet watching them turn into adults.  Now they don't need me for much and that make me kind of sad.

     I absolutely love being a mom. If I could, I would have at least 2 more children. The feeling of this little human needing me warms my heart. Now as Leah approaches 3 years old it makes me nervous. I mean now she's feeding herself, putting on her own shoes, telling me what food she wants to eat, she even knows to tell me she's sleepy.  She's growing up right before my eyes and I'm soo scared. My teenagers are now going on dates and finding jobs, all while not really wanting to hang out with mom and dad soo much,,,Somebody heeeellllppppp!!!!!  The world can be soo cruel and since I can't be there wherever they go and defend them in the moment of every person who may offend them, I'll be the first to admit it, I'm scared. I think all parents have this anxiety. I hope all parents have this anxiety, ha ha ha. 

     Am I the only one who finds myself saying some of the things I heard my parents say?  Its soo funny because right after I say it I laugh.  It's kind of a shock when I have to say out loud I have a 18 year old daughter.  I always prayed to get here but now that I'm here it's like where has the time went, and why didn't anyone tell me it would pass by so fast. Oh wait my parents did tell me but since I was just a child, time wasn't a concern. Now as I tell my children the same thing it feels like history repeating itself and time doesn't concern them either. I guess the old saying "With age comes wisdom" is really accurate. But unfortunately it doesn't makes since until we're up in age, ughhhh.

  There are several books published that give parenting tips and advice. But lets be real, there really is no book that can prepare you for the emotions of being a parent. And there definitely is nothing that could've prepared me for this constant anxiety and worry. There also is no such thing as perfect parents. It's the imperfections that makes us such great parents. Parenting is a "learn while you go" job. And even though my work started at the age of 18 in 1998 (which seems like forever ago), I still don't know it all and I'm okay with that.  I'm also okay with knowing that there is no retirement from parenting.  Remember my loves we in this thing called parenting, "From the Cradle to the Grave."  

   

I Have 3 Children on Earth and 1 In Heaven

 

    The hardest question a mother or father has to answer after losing a child is, "How many children do you have?" When someone ask you that it's the feeling of time stopping and everyone but you has froze waiting for an answer. I remember the first time someone asked me that after losing Monkey and I didn't know what to say. Ir-realistically you just want everyone to know not to ask you that. But then you realize not everyone knows your story. My day could be going great and just spiking up conversation with a stranger would lead to a question that could ruin your whole day.

                                                      How Many Children Do You Have?


     For me I knew then, that I had birthed 3 children. I had bathed, clothed and fed 3 children. Three children had traveled through my womb. Hell I still put his name on card to loved ones. After Monkey passed though my thoughts were, "now what do I say?".   It wasn't until a therapy session that I became aware of how difficult and uncomfortable that question made me feel. If I say 2 am disowning Monkey?  If I say 3 how do I explain the questions after that? Then you don't want to go into a whole explanation of everything that transpired behind you loss. So now what?

     Now when someone asks me that question I say, "I have 4 children 3 on earth 1 in heaven." Its straight and to the point. I still get that uncomfortable stare though after that statement. Because when I say it, it leaves the other person wanting to ask what, when and how. But I say it so quickly and proudly the question doesn't fit the tone of the conversation.

     A lot of people are unaware of how difficult that question is and a lot of parents who have loss children don't realize how difficult that question is until the first time its asked. It takes soo much out of a parent to come up with ways to make sure they are never not acknowledging a child who is no longer here physically. I love talking about my son so much it could become difficult for others to even know he is no longer here. Talking about your loved one is therapy within itself.

    As Mothers Day approaches and you get all those cards and gifts for being a great mom, it feels really good. You save face for the ones who are showing you love but in your heart you know there is a heartbeat missing. There is a person that would call you mom that is no longer here. In those moments all I could suggest is take the time you need. And when someone asks you that question, simply replay "I have _ children on earth and _ in heaven"

Find your Tribe and Love them Hard

     In my life I have been blessed enough to have a great foundation of friends. Some of them old and some of them new but all have been a great support for me in one way or another. I dont think anyone should have to go through life without experiencing some type of non blood related love. The picture above is only half of "My Team"(thats what I like to call them).

     As we endure life and all its obstacles I find it refreshing to know I have someone to call when needed. When I want to laugh or cry. When I want to vent or get advice. When I feel like shit and I need that extra motivation to help me through. Who doesnt want or need that? You are lying to yourself if you say you don't. Sometimes we alienate ourselves unnecessarily to prove we are self made or strong and we lose in the end.

     Each of my friends possess something special about them and each relationship is different, but one thing remains the same no matter how old I am they all treat me like the baby and the mama bear of the group.

     When my son passed I cant begin to tell you how many of my friends showed up. Even the ones I hadn't talked to in years was there. I didnt have to call a single one of them they just came. Now I can't even imagine getting through that without them. Sometimes I forget to tell them exactly how much I appreciate them. We may disagree, argue, and not speak for some time, but when we do babbbbbyyyyyyyyyy its always a good ole time.

     I hear many women say they don't have alot of friends and thats sad. Having different groups of friends allow me to remain unjudgemental of others and embrace different, with open arms. I always come up with some wild idea and it always gets support. It makes me smile to know my support system is bigger than just my immediate family. Now I dont expect everyone to have a big circle, even small circles are great. Just don't cheat yourself out of the love.  I imagine me being old and grey laughing with all my girlfriends about the times we had as youngsters. They will be doing the things with me I know my husband will pass on. That type of relationship I think is needed and warranted to grow. I treat my friendships just like a relationship. We must respect each other and talk out what we cant understand or agree on. Its that simple.

    Women can be friends and I think rule the world if we got over ourselves some. I mean we fight hard and love harder for what we believe in. Just imagine what we could accomplish fighting and loving as one. I'm happy to KNOW my friends will fight and love with me no matter what. I call them my soul sisters. We have no bilogical connection but our souls are connected without question. The kind of connection that only God himself can make. It's our responsibility to keep it that way.

     Ya-Ya's - A group of 3 or more women whose hearts and souls are joined together by laughter and tears shared through the glorious journey of life. I love my Team a.k.a My Ya-Ya's.


 


   

   

     I remember when I was younger and whenever I needed anything, my dad and grandma was who I called to get it. He would always say, "When you get married I'm not doing all this no more." I would just simply laugh and respond, "Naw baby we in this From the Cradle to the Grave!" For fathers day one year I even gave him a dog tag with those exact words engraved on it lol just so he never forgot. 

     

     Now as I go through my transition, I never knew how much that statement meant. We as parents are really in this with our children From the Cradle to the Grave. Now the way of life technically, it's supposed to be from the childrens cradle to the parents grave (since the parents should go first), but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. Either way it's not easy to deal with and we all have to go at some point and time, but it still hurts.

    When I decided to create this blog never did I intend on it being sad and down, even though I knew that would be inevitable when speaking on losing a child.  I just knew I needed an outlet and wanted to possibly touch the lives of someone else dealing with something in their lives as well.  It doesn't matter if you lost a child or not, inspiration in any form I feel is great. Sometimes it takes someone else to motivat us out that bed in the morning. It could be a picture, a poem or a scripture. Whatever it is I know I wanted to give something that gave people the feeling of never giving up.

     Now I'm not saying don't have those bad days or don't cry. What I'm saying is after you wipe those tears remember (at least try to remember) your purpose. And when you can't really remember your purpose, remember that you are still here for a reason. And even though that reason has not revealed itself to you yet, just be patient. 

 

     Life is a constant circle of good and bad. It's our duty to survive through the bad to see our better days. I learned these things from my beautiful grandma. She left this physical world last month and although I miss her so, I know it is her strength that now resides in me. From my cradle she cared for me and to her Grave I cared for her.  See the circle?

     I just wanted to give you all an understanding of title of my blog. You dont have to experience losing a child to get something from this, you just have to had lived life and you'll understand. 

  

   As the holidays approach I just want to drop a small note of Love to those who have a hard time during the holidays without their loved ones.  I am no expert on this just gained a little unwanted experience. Who knows even though in a million years I would not have asked for this, it may help someone, somewhere. 

    The first couple of holidays are the worst. For me it was a instant feeling of sadness that would overcome me whenever holidays approached. And even though I tried hard not to go there for the sake of my kids, it was nothing I could control. It never gets easy. You will always have a abnormal feeling celebrating knowing someone is missing. You will find yourself forcing a smile just to not make others uncomfortable or sad. Its okay. I had to tell myself over and over agian, its okay how you feel. Whoever doesnt understand and have a little empathy for you is not someone you want around anyway.

     My favorite holiday song is "This Christmas" (no matter who sings it), it makes my heart smile and cry at the same time. I would suggest you find a song that speaks to you. A song that makes your heart cry and smile at the same time. A song that forces you to smile through your tears. A song that makes you fell all soft inside and remember good times only. This will allow you to get through the holidays with a little ease, not completely but a little.

     Before your house become filled with other loved ones that will overwhelm you even more, find a quiet spot and sit and just enjoy your moment with your memories. I loved and still love taking pictures so that is my safe space. I grab every photo I have with Monkey on it, close my door and look at his photos. I challenge myself to remember what was happening at the exact time each photo was taken. Even though it makes me sad I appreciate the moments I was lucky enough to capture. We all know the mind forgets but a picture will remind you lol. 

     Enjoy your holidays, kiss and hug the loved ones that are still here, laugh and cry with them, share funny stories, embrace your support system. Remember every tear you drop is not always for sadness. I even cry to tell Monkey "thank you for choosing me". It hurt but feels so good. 

 

   "Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind

                                                   The goal is to find it" -Buddha

PEACE........LOVE.......BLESSINGS......