So October is not only the month I was born, it is also Breast Cancer and Domestic Violence Awareness month. These 2 groups are near and dear to me because I have been affected by them both.  I have friends and family that are currently infected with breast cancer and some who have survived it. I also am a survivor of domestic violence along with many others who I know in some form or fashion has been a victim as well.

     Growing up around such strong women like my grandmother and aunts, I never thought I would fall victim to domestic violence. I know there is alot of women who are silently suffering to protect the abuser or her loved ones (so she thinks).

    When I was pregnant with my youngest son Monkey I remember one day arguing like cats and dogs with his father. It wasn't the first time and I knew it would not be our last. This particular day he was mad at me because he had to pay a traffic ticket for me. He argued with me the whole way home. Arguing didn't make out relationship abusive, it was the verbal abuse that he could do all so well that made it abuse. He beat down my self esteem to the size of pea. I once walked around with my head so high it would take a bulldozer to bring it down. He was the bulldozer.

     So on this day after being spoken to like trash and told I was and will never be anything he made me get in the car with him. He sat silently driving while smoking a cigarette. I was soo afraid I just kept asking "where are we going?" He would just look over after taking a hale of the cigarette with a look that made me know my life would end that day. I was 8 months pregant and scared to death. As he spoke and yelled spit flew out his mouth in my face and all I could do was sit there. So now we reached our destination, a graveyard. I asked him "why are we here?" He looked and said "you'll see." All I could think about is my 2 children and my baby in my belly. I couldn't die, not like this. I wasn't ready. So as he drove through this graveyard that I have never been to I thought quickly. He had put the child lock on the doors, so I rolled my window down and open the door from the outside and jumped out. Just like that I said "fuck it" and jumped out the moving car 8 months pregnant. When he stopped the car I ran to the entrance of the graveyard and flagged down a hack. I was soo scared I didn't even realize my right knee was busted until I got in the car. I went to my girlfriend house and she bandaged me up while I tearfully and embarassingly told her what happened. Of course later he apologized and said he was just going to see his grandmothers grave (who I never met).

     Now lets fast forward to the day I went into labor. It was 4:00 in the morning and I started having pains. Since this wasnt my first baby I knew to wait awhile before going to the hospital. After about 2 hours of the pains getting worst, I called my aunt and talked to her before hesitantly waking him up to say "its time." Oh how I wish I could've drove myself to the hospital. The whole ride to the hospital in my car he fussed and argued about why I chose a hospital on the other side of town. Like real life arguing. So after getting checked in I didn't even call anyone. I didn't want to get embarassed and he already said I couldn't have my best friend there. So after 8 hours of the most quietest labor I ever experienced, Monkey was born. He was perfect. As soon as they lifted him up my eyes locked on his birth mark. His birthmark was a similar shaped mark on his right knee. The same knee I had busted when I was 8 months pregnant with him after jumping out the car at the graveyard. WOW. Oh and about that graveyard, its the same graveyard he was buried in 6 years later.

     I believe Monkey survived my abuse with me and we shared the scars even when he was in the womb. I'm not to keen on coincidences, I think everything happens for a reason. As much as I miss my son, I couldn't imagine what damage was caused in the long run. I never wanted any of my kids to see that kind of disfunction.

     When I think back on some of the things I survived I know I am here for a reason. I hope I help someone else. Thats all I want to do Is help others. I'm no saint but someone thinks I'm worthy.