Butterflies play a major part in me and my families life after James aka Monkey passed away. After his funeral and at the burial we released butterflies just like this one pictured. And now everytime we see a butterfly we associate that with him.  It brings a smile to my face and heart when I walk out the door and see a butterfly waiting on me. I simply smile and say "Hey Monk, I love you too."  Losing someone is never easy, but it helps to have a comfort from day to day. 

     In this grieving process you will learn crying comes easy, it's smiling that takes strength to do. Remember there are no coincidences in life, everything happens for a reason. For me those reasons weren't made clear until after losing Monkey. I started to go over every year of my life with a magnifying glass, wondering what and if there was anything I could've done differently.  I realized it was not. 

       On August 13, 2011 a Saturday morning, I woke up late for work. I laid in bed and contemplated just calling out, but remembered bills had to be paid (I was a single mother of 3 at that time).  I made my way to the bathroom and heard footsteps running down the hall way, it was Monkey.  He excitedly asked me,"where you ready to go ma, to work?."  I repsonded, "now Monk you know I'm going to work."  So he ran back in his room and I got dressed.  Before I reached the top landing of our steps, Monk stopped me and asked to go to IHOP (his favorite place) when I got off. We went back and forth for about 2 minutes until I agreed that if he gave me a kiss and let me go, then we could go to IHOP when I got off.  As I reached the second landing he still was talking so I cut him off and said, "I Love You Monkey" he responded, "I Love You Too."  Before I left I looked up and he told me "bye ma" I said no "see you later."  At 12:00pm as I sat at my desk at work my mind began to wonder and I was sitting at my desk thinking about his kiss. I remember I caught myself and thought, why am I thinking about his kiss. I shake it off and go back to work. At 12:30 I got a hysterical call from my oldest son saying my daughter Myasia and my son Monkey was just hit by a car.  TIME STOPPED!!!! I drove myself to the hospital not imagining the worst, but wondering how in the hell was I gonna get him to calm down for needles or even a possible cast, but that wasnt the case. I was told my son was unresponsive and that they were still working on him, and my daughter was still being seen as well. I literally don't remember anything but feeling like a zombie who was numb to pain. It hurt too bad to cry. After 4 days in the hospital going from 1 floor to another, checking on my daughter who was 13 at the time, trying to keep myself together for her and my other son, was draining to say the least. Myasia had several cuts to her face and body and a broken leg. Monkey was in a coma, not responding, laying in a bed hooked up to monitors but looked like he was just sleeping. Not 1 scratch was on his body. His injuries was due to him landing on his head after the hit. I can lie and say I prayed, but I didn't. I was too angry. On August 16th Myasia was sent home and I was facing the choice of whether to take my son off life support or not. I locked myself in the bathroom at the hospital and I said 1 simple prayer. I said "God if you want him take him, and if you dont then leave him with me." I guess God answered me because on August 17, 2011 my son who I affectionately called Monkey passed away. I was greatful beyond measures that I didnt have to make that choice. I mean the selfish part of me would've wanted him to stay under any condition. I layed with his then lifeless body, cold and stiff. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I couldn't let him be alone. I sang the song I always sang to him and my other kids before kissing his cheek, hands, and feet. I took a deep whiff of his scent for 1 last time before they took him away.

      I thought I would share this with everyone so you understand why I smile sooo much. I have survived what I thought was unsurviveable. If you would've surveyed me and asked if I could ever live without my child. I would have told you HELLLLL NO. But I did, I'm living and breathing and smiling and so can you. I never knew really how strong I was until I had no other option. No matter how you lost your loved one suddenly or over time, it still feels the same. Just remember your child belonged to you before he was concieved and he/she belongs to you well after death.