"Not A Fairytale"

     As I approach my 1 year wedding anniversary, I remember never feeling like marriage was for me. I always wanted that special, committed type of love, but it just didn't seem like that was my future. I thought I would always be single and God wanted me to spread the love around without anyone specifically being in my life. Its funny now as I write and say that but its the truth.

      Right before Monkey passed I was in a relationship. We will just say it was long distance. And I did my part as I thought I was supposed to do. We often call that "holding your man down." So after the accident and while the kids were still in the hospital my then friend Rome came to my side as alot of others did. I remember the first time I slept, was on his shoulder in the waiting room of the hospital. I hadn't slept in 3 days. I've always felt that comfortable with him, I mean we've known each other over 10 years at the time. We once dated when we first met but it just wasn't our time to be anything more.

     So after Monkey passed, Rome was there as just a friend. He didn't know my situation and he didn't question it. All I knew was he was there after all the other traffic left and everyone elses day went back to normal, he was there. The person I was in a "relationship" with at that time during an arguement, made the comment that "I wasnt the only person going through something." When he made that statement it made  me question his love. I mean could someone be that heartless. I had just lost my 6 year old son, he wasnt even gone for a full month. It hurt my feelings so bad. To think of all the time and not to mention money I put into that relationship, to hear such a selfish statement made me second guess what I was attempting to do. So I ended it. And not because Rome was in the picture, because remember he was just a friend and treated me as such. I ended it because I felt like losing my son bought out the real in people who I thought had my back like I had theirs. It was unfortunate and hurt but I was glad it happened sooner than any more later. I owed it to my son to not settle for someone who didnt have enough compassion during the worst time of my life to console me rather than argue with me. Nothing felt right between me and him after that.

     I began to focus on me. My daughter had a full cast on her leg, with several open scars including a large cut across her cheek. Every night we slept downstairs in my house. I'd like to say it was easier for her and me since we would be on one floor. But I think we both were scared to sleep upstairs since Monkey wasnt there. And every night on my couch guess who was on one end while I was on the other, yup Rome. He never asked me for anything or made a advance to wanting more from me, it just happened. It was so surreal as I think about it now. Like he came back to me when I needed him most. Our relationship just grew like we were never apart previously. And we have been inseperable ever since. My best friend, my confidant, my homie, my lover, and now my husband. After 1 year officially together we moved together and found out I was pregnant with my baby girl Leah James (named after her brother). He proposed to me at our baby shower much to my surprise on May 4,2013 and on July 19,2014 we got married.

     As I'm writing this it sounds like a fairytale, so I am sure it probaly sounds the same to you. But trust me it wasnt. God putting him back in my life, fairytale yes. But the way he returned, fairytale No. If I could have had this any other way I would've but that wasnt in his plan. The day after Monkey passed I was not the same person as I was the day before, and he was okay with that. He has handled me with gentle, understanding hands and for that I'm happy.

      I said all that to say this. Nothing happens when you want it to, it happens when He wants it to. Life can be so confusing. Nothing made sense to me then but its clearer now.  Monkey real name is James Jerome and my husband name is Jerome James. Coincidence? I dont think so. It was all meant to be. I will forever have to say my son's name when I say my husbands name. All the relationships that didnt last was meant to end and prepare me for the final relationship.

       Dont give up, its your season next. After every storm it usually is a rainbow that follows. Yes you will be a different person but those who love you will embrace that. Think of it as your child giving you the strength you never knew you had and simply say "Thank You."