Hey everyone! I know it has been awhile since the last time on here, but today I felt compelled to write today on my most recent thoughts and experiences. This past week in particular. So Myasia turned 19 and Man-Man turned 18 last week. Talk about time flying when your having fun. I feel like my babies are not babies anymore. I know I am not the only mother who gets sad as their children get older, but I feel alone in it. I think the one that really hit me is Man Man my last son. I feel like he no longer needs me. Now I know that is not true but that is how it feels. I love having my children around and when the house is too quiet I get anxiety. I start to clean and half way through trying to find things to dig into corners to clean, I realize "I'm having a moment". It is sooo bad ya'll. He graduates this year and the relationship is not like I have with Myasia, because he is a boy becoming a man. I truthfully do not feel like the mom of a 19 and 18 year old, and I don't look it either (lol).
This weekend me and Myasia went to get matching tattoos. This is her very first tattoo so I made sure it was something small and easy to hide if need be. As you all know I have suffered with depression even though it is rarely addressed in black households/communities. I've had some therapy but after a while I stopped going. Recently Myasia was diagnosed as well. It has been a hard road but I tell her daily, "we survived what was meant to kill/stop us". So initially we were going to get semicolon tattoos. The semicolon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to. For us and her it speaks volumes. The author is us and the sentence is our life. Now the semicolon was enough but we added the letters "ehfar" which stands for "everything happens for a reason". Together with the semicolon our tattoo now represents, "everything happens for a reason don't stop keep going". Yessssssssss!!!!!! Something so small says soo much and is now a phrase we can look at daily as positive motivation.
Now I know I keep my game-face on soo much my children must think I have some super powers and they have to be strong because I portray to be, but that is soo far from the truth. I was raised in an old school household where pain wasn't something you saw frequently. Even when my son passed I say my grandmother cry for the first time, but she wiped the tear before it even had a chance to roll down her cheek. So strength and masking pain was something I had become accustomed too. I now realize that does more damage than help. So I make sure I cry with and/or in front of the kids every now and then. Not to make them feel bad, but so they know it is okay to show your feelings and have weak moments and they are not alone in this. We are entitled to that.
The black community has become victim to the "just pray about it" phase that we are hurting our daughters and creating sons who become affectionate-less men. We have been made to believe that therapy or depression is a bad thing. It is not though. It comes with living a life that is not perfect and not meant to be. We must embrace the tough times in order to appreciate the good times. It is absolutely nothing wrong with praying about a situation, that is great, but we should also seek therapy. Whether its a weekly family/friends session with someone who exudes strength but doesn't shy away from weakness. You can also seek professional help from a medical facility. Just get help. My daughter has become my therapist, and she doesn't even know it. We feed off each other a lot. And I am glad she knows its okay to cry and laugh in the same moment with no feeling of guilt. We are human we all feel pain and no man, woman, boy or girl should go through that alone. If no one told you today "I Love You" now go tell someone you love them or give out hugs. You never know you just may save a life.
