Soo I know I have been kind of lazy on blogging and keeping everyone up with everything and I apologize. I'm just getting over those "August Blues".  But I promise going forward to write at least once a week. So today me and my daughters went to see my son. This was a big deal only because my oldest daughter Myasia hasn't been to cemetery since we buried Monkey 5 years ago. She said she recently had a dream about him and it felt so real.  I thought this would be a way she could feel like she was visiting him to help her cope. I think it was a good idea and she was okay. Of course a lot of tears as normal but after that it was like a picnic in the park. 

     This year made 5 years since Monkey passed and it all came full circle.  Everything happened on the exact date and day as it did then. That is one of the reasons I called this August "August Blues". I went through a full a week of remembering each day and second and trying to recollect everything as it happened then. All I was really doing was torturing myself. I could only imagine what Myasia was going through. It's so hard attempting to make sure everyone else is okay and have no one to really check on you.  The one person I did have was my grandma and she is no longer here.

     I know it's difficult for someone who has never been in our shoes to understand our pain or sadness. I don't expect understanding just a little empathy. Any day at any time anyone we love can leave this earth without notice. Me experiencing that has allowed me to love a little harder and empathize a little easier with others. But at the same time it has hardened me. It makes me feel like I've survived that which I was not supposed to and nothing can compare to that. 

     I watched Steel Magnolias last night and no matter how many times I watch it, I cry the ugly cry after Shelby dies. When her mom screams in the graveyard and says she feels like she is gonna lose it, even though it was a movie she nailed that scene. She did what I feel inside daily but I keep faking it and paint a smile on my face for the comfort of those who just don't understand.  I guess I said all that to say this... I've learned through my misfortune and heartbreak that in times when I feel sad, it's okay. And when there is times I want to cry and be left alone, It's okay. And if you are supporting someone that is going through something similar, try not to make it about you. Allow them to go through what they need to go through and I promise they will talk to you when they are ready. Dont be pushy.  People handle grief differently and just because you don't actually see them crying and being upset doesn't mean they aren't. It just means they fake it really really well.   

    Not everyday is a sad day for me. But I do have at least 1 sad moment a day that most people will never see. Until next time.