Today I was on Facebook and saw a video of a mother violently beating her little boy, who looked to be no more than 6 or 7. All morning I had not shed a tear, but after watching that video I immediately broke down. How can a mother be so lucky to have her child, living, breathing, playing, being mischievous. How can a mother abuse someone so precious and innocent. That video tore me up inside. I sit here missing and wanting my baby boy while she obviously doesn't love hers.
Sometime my heart feels like its on fire. I just want to curl up in bed and not move. I went to visit my grandmother the other day and as I laid in bed with her she began to talk about Monkey. She mentioned how hard it was for her to go near the place where his funeral was held (which is only a 5 minute drive from her). I told her I cant even go pass where we used to live or his school or the playground he used to play. Its even hard going to my grandmothers house since we used to live right next door to her for 2 years. I sacrifice alot to encounter places I know will make me sad, but I do it anyway.
I always think before this anniversary comes up that I would love to do something in Monkey name to help me make it through the day, but it never happens. I always let my emotions take over and really just want to be alone. I hate feeling like a big "pity party" even though I know my friends and family don't feel that way its hard. Soon I hope to do something, no matter how big or small, in his name. I think that would definitely help with the sadness.
When you think of anniversary you always think of happiness until you have to face an anniversary of sadness. And if you never had a anniversary of sadness its definitely hard to embrace. The only advice I have for that is surround yourself with people who genuinely love and support you. I guess if it was intended for us to be alone, we wouldn't have so much company in this world.
