As the holidays approach I just want to drop a small note of Love to those who have a hard time during the holidays without their loved ones.  I am no expert on this just gained a little unwanted experience. Who knows even though in a million years I would not have asked for this, it may help someone, somewhere. 

    The first couple of holidays are the worst. For me it was a instant feeling of sadness that would overcome me whenever holidays approached. And even though I tried hard not to go there for the sake of my kids, it was nothing I could control. It never gets easy. You will always have a abnormal feeling celebrating knowing someone is missing. You will find yourself forcing a smile just to not make others uncomfortable or sad. Its okay. I had to tell myself over and over agian, its okay how you feel. Whoever doesnt understand and have a little empathy for you is not someone you want around anyway.

     My favorite holiday song is "This Christmas" (no matter who sings it), it makes my heart smile and cry at the same time. I would suggest you find a song that speaks to you. A song that makes your heart cry and smile at the same time. A song that forces you to smile through your tears. A song that makes you fell all soft inside and remember good times only. This will allow you to get through the holidays with a little ease, not completely but a little.

     Before your house become filled with other loved ones that will overwhelm you even more, find a quiet spot and sit and just enjoy your moment with your memories. I loved and still love taking pictures so that is my safe space. I grab every photo I have with Monkey on it, close my door and look at his photos. I challenge myself to remember what was happening at the exact time each photo was taken. Even though it makes me sad I appreciate the moments I was lucky enough to capture. We all know the mind forgets but a picture will remind you lol. 

     Enjoy your holidays, kiss and hug the loved ones that are still here, laugh and cry with them, share funny stories, embrace your support system. Remember every tear you drop is not always for sadness. I even cry to tell Monkey "thank you for choosing me". It hurt but feels so good. 

 

   "Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind

                                                   The goal is to find it" -Buddha

PEACE........LOVE.......BLESSINGS......

     

     

     So October is not only the month I was born, it is also Breast Cancer and Domestic Violence Awareness month. These 2 groups are near and dear to me because I have been affected by them both.  I have friends and family that are currently infected with breast cancer and some who have survived it. I also am a survivor of domestic violence along with many others who I know in some form or fashion has been a victim as well.

     Growing up around such strong women like my grandmother and aunts, I never thought I would fall victim to domestic violence. I know there is alot of women who are silently suffering to protect the abuser or her loved ones (so she thinks).

    When I was pregnant with my youngest son Monkey I remember one day arguing like cats and dogs with his father. It wasn't the first time and I knew it would not be our last. This particular day he was mad at me because he had to pay a traffic ticket for me. He argued with me the whole way home. Arguing didn't make out relationship abusive, it was the verbal abuse that he could do all so well that made it abuse. He beat down my self esteem to the size of pea. I once walked around with my head so high it would take a bulldozer to bring it down. He was the bulldozer.

     So on this day after being spoken to like trash and told I was and will never be anything he made me get in the car with him. He sat silently driving while smoking a cigarette. I was soo afraid I just kept asking "where are we going?" He would just look over after taking a hale of the cigarette with a look that made me know my life would end that day. I was 8 months pregant and scared to death. As he spoke and yelled spit flew out his mouth in my face and all I could do was sit there. So now we reached our destination, a graveyard. I asked him "why are we here?" He looked and said "you'll see." All I could think about is my 2 children and my baby in my belly. I couldn't die, not like this. I wasn't ready. So as he drove through this graveyard that I have never been to I thought quickly. He had put the child lock on the doors, so I rolled my window down and open the door from the outside and jumped out. Just like that I said "fuck it" and jumped out the moving car 8 months pregnant. When he stopped the car I ran to the entrance of the graveyard and flagged down a hack. I was soo scared I didn't even realize my right knee was busted until I got in the car. I went to my girlfriend house and she bandaged me up while I tearfully and embarassingly told her what happened. Of course later he apologized and said he was just going to see his grandmothers grave (who I never met).

     Now lets fast forward to the day I went into labor. It was 4:00 in the morning and I started having pains. Since this wasnt my first baby I knew to wait awhile before going to the hospital. After about 2 hours of the pains getting worst, I called my aunt and talked to her before hesitantly waking him up to say "its time." Oh how I wish I could've drove myself to the hospital. The whole ride to the hospital in my car he fussed and argued about why I chose a hospital on the other side of town. Like real life arguing. So after getting checked in I didn't even call anyone. I didn't want to get embarassed and he already said I couldn't have my best friend there. So after 8 hours of the most quietest labor I ever experienced, Monkey was born. He was perfect. As soon as they lifted him up my eyes locked on his birth mark. His birthmark was a similar shaped mark on his right knee. The same knee I had busted when I was 8 months pregnant with him after jumping out the car at the graveyard. WOW. Oh and about that graveyard, its the same graveyard he was buried in 6 years later.

     I believe Monkey survived my abuse with me and we shared the scars even when he was in the womb. I'm not to keen on coincidences, I think everything happens for a reason. As much as I miss my son, I couldn't imagine what damage was caused in the long run. I never wanted any of my kids to see that kind of disfunction.

     When I think back on some of the things I survived I know I am here for a reason. I hope I help someone else. Thats all I want to do Is help others. I'm no saint but someone thinks I'm worthy.

Anniversary

     Anniversaries are the worst, especially when its the anniversary of your childs death. That one sentence was very hard to type. To associate the word death with the one whom you gave life (excuse my language) but that fucks you up. Today 4 years ago God took my dear Monkey to live with him. And each year I think I cry harder than before. It really hits home the longer you live, the longer you live without seeing you child. 

  

     Today I was on Facebook and saw a video of a mother violently beating her little boy, who looked to be no more than 6 or 7. All morning I had not shed a tear, but after watching that video I immediately broke down. How can a mother be so lucky to have her child, living, breathing, playing, being mischievous. How can a mother abuse someone so precious and innocent. That video tore me up inside. I sit here missing and wanting my baby boy while she obviously doesn't love hers. 

     Sometime my heart feels like its on fire. I just want to curl up in bed and not move. I went to visit my grandmother the other day and as I laid in bed with her she began to talk about Monkey. She mentioned how hard it was for her to go near the place where his funeral was held (which is only a 5 minute drive from her). I told her I cant even go pass where we used to live or his school or the playground he used to play. Its even hard going to my grandmothers house since we used to live right next door to her for 2 years. I sacrifice alot to encounter places I know will make me sad, but I do it anyway. 

     I always think before this anniversary comes up that I would love to do something in Monkey name to help me make it through the day, but it never happens. I always let my emotions take over and really just want to be alone. I hate feeling like a big "pity party" even though I know my friends and family don't feel that way its hard. Soon I hope to do something, no matter how big or small, in his name. I think that would definitely help with the sadness. 

    When you think of anniversary you always think of happiness until you have to face an anniversary of sadness. And if you never had a anniversary of sadness its definitely hard to embrace. The only advice I have for that is surround yourself with people who genuinely love and support you. I guess if it was intended for us to be alone, we wouldn't have so much company in this world. 

"Not A Fairytale"

     As I approach my 1 year wedding anniversary, I remember never feeling like marriage was for me. I always wanted that special, committed type of love, but it just didn't seem like that was my future. I thought I would always be single and God wanted me to spread the love around without anyone specifically being in my life. Its funny now as I write and say that but its the truth.

      Right before Monkey passed I was in a relationship. We will just say it was long distance. And I did my part as I thought I was supposed to do. We often call that "holding your man down." So after the accident and while the kids were still in the hospital my then friend Rome came to my side as alot of others did. I remember the first time I slept, was on his shoulder in the waiting room of the hospital. I hadn't slept in 3 days. I've always felt that comfortable with him, I mean we've known each other over 10 years at the time. We once dated when we first met but it just wasn't our time to be anything more.

     So after Monkey passed, Rome was there as just a friend. He didn't know my situation and he didn't question it. All I knew was he was there after all the other traffic left and everyone elses day went back to normal, he was there. The person I was in a "relationship" with at that time during an arguement, made the comment that "I wasnt the only person going through something." When he made that statement it made  me question his love. I mean could someone be that heartless. I had just lost my 6 year old son, he wasnt even gone for a full month. It hurt my feelings so bad. To think of all the time and not to mention money I put into that relationship, to hear such a selfish statement made me second guess what I was attempting to do. So I ended it. And not because Rome was in the picture, because remember he was just a friend and treated me as such. I ended it because I felt like losing my son bought out the real in people who I thought had my back like I had theirs. It was unfortunate and hurt but I was glad it happened sooner than any more later. I owed it to my son to not settle for someone who didnt have enough compassion during the worst time of my life to console me rather than argue with me. Nothing felt right between me and him after that.

     I began to focus on me. My daughter had a full cast on her leg, with several open scars including a large cut across her cheek. Every night we slept downstairs in my house. I'd like to say it was easier for her and me since we would be on one floor. But I think we both were scared to sleep upstairs since Monkey wasnt there. And every night on my couch guess who was on one end while I was on the other, yup Rome. He never asked me for anything or made a advance to wanting more from me, it just happened. It was so surreal as I think about it now. Like he came back to me when I needed him most. Our relationship just grew like we were never apart previously. And we have been inseperable ever since. My best friend, my confidant, my homie, my lover, and now my husband. After 1 year officially together we moved together and found out I was pregnant with my baby girl Leah James (named after her brother). He proposed to me at our baby shower much to my surprise on May 4,2013 and on July 19,2014 we got married.

     As I'm writing this it sounds like a fairytale, so I am sure it probaly sounds the same to you. But trust me it wasnt. God putting him back in my life, fairytale yes. But the way he returned, fairytale No. If I could have had this any other way I would've but that wasnt in his plan. The day after Monkey passed I was not the same person as I was the day before, and he was okay with that. He has handled me with gentle, understanding hands and for that I'm happy.

      I said all that to say this. Nothing happens when you want it to, it happens when He wants it to. Life can be so confusing. Nothing made sense to me then but its clearer now.  Monkey real name is James Jerome and my husband name is Jerome James. Coincidence? I dont think so. It was all meant to be. I will forever have to say my son's name when I say my husbands name. All the relationships that didnt last was meant to end and prepare me for the final relationship.

       Dont give up, its your season next. After every storm it usually is a rainbow that follows. Yes you will be a different person but those who love you will embrace that. Think of it as your child giving you the strength you never knew you had and simply say "Thank You."

     Butterflies play a major part in me and my families life after James aka Monkey passed away. After his funeral and at the burial we released butterflies just like this one pictured. And now everytime we see a butterfly we associate that with him.  It brings a smile to my face and heart when I walk out the door and see a butterfly waiting on me. I simply smile and say "Hey Monk, I love you too."  Losing someone is never easy, but it helps to have a comfort from day to day. 

     In this grieving process you will learn crying comes easy, it's smiling that takes strength to do. Remember there are no coincidences in life, everything happens for a reason. For me those reasons weren't made clear until after losing Monkey. I started to go over every year of my life with a magnifying glass, wondering what and if there was anything I could've done differently.  I realized it was not. 

       On August 13, 2011 a Saturday morning, I woke up late for work. I laid in bed and contemplated just calling out, but remembered bills had to be paid (I was a single mother of 3 at that time).  I made my way to the bathroom and heard footsteps running down the hall way, it was Monkey.  He excitedly asked me,"where you ready to go ma, to work?."  I repsonded, "now Monk you know I'm going to work."  So he ran back in his room and I got dressed.  Before I reached the top landing of our steps, Monk stopped me and asked to go to IHOP (his favorite place) when I got off. We went back and forth for about 2 minutes until I agreed that if he gave me a kiss and let me go, then we could go to IHOP when I got off.  As I reached the second landing he still was talking so I cut him off and said, "I Love You Monkey" he responded, "I Love You Too."  Before I left I looked up and he told me "bye ma" I said no "see you later."  At 12:00pm as I sat at my desk at work my mind began to wonder and I was sitting at my desk thinking about his kiss. I remember I caught myself and thought, why am I thinking about his kiss. I shake it off and go back to work. At 12:30 I got a hysterical call from my oldest son saying my daughter Myasia and my son Monkey was just hit by a car.  TIME STOPPED!!!! I drove myself to the hospital not imagining the worst, but wondering how in the hell was I gonna get him to calm down for needles or even a possible cast, but that wasnt the case. I was told my son was unresponsive and that they were still working on him, and my daughter was still being seen as well. I literally don't remember anything but feeling like a zombie who was numb to pain. It hurt too bad to cry. After 4 days in the hospital going from 1 floor to another, checking on my daughter who was 13 at the time, trying to keep myself together for her and my other son, was draining to say the least. Myasia had several cuts to her face and body and a broken leg. Monkey was in a coma, not responding, laying in a bed hooked up to monitors but looked like he was just sleeping. Not 1 scratch was on his body. His injuries was due to him landing on his head after the hit. I can lie and say I prayed, but I didn't. I was too angry. On August 16th Myasia was sent home and I was facing the choice of whether to take my son off life support or not. I locked myself in the bathroom at the hospital and I said 1 simple prayer. I said "God if you want him take him, and if you dont then leave him with me." I guess God answered me because on August 17, 2011 my son who I affectionately called Monkey passed away. I was greatful beyond measures that I didnt have to make that choice. I mean the selfish part of me would've wanted him to stay under any condition. I layed with his then lifeless body, cold and stiff. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I couldn't let him be alone. I sang the song I always sang to him and my other kids before kissing his cheek, hands, and feet. I took a deep whiff of his scent for 1 last time before they took him away.

      I thought I would share this with everyone so you understand why I smile sooo much. I have survived what I thought was unsurviveable. If you would've surveyed me and asked if I could ever live without my child. I would have told you HELLLLL NO. But I did, I'm living and breathing and smiling and so can you. I never knew really how strong I was until I had no other option. No matter how you lost your loved one suddenly or over time, it still feels the same. Just remember your child belonged to you before he was concieved and he/she belongs to you well after death. 

  

        

            

          

      

To Whom It May Concern

     My name is Ebony and I am creating this blog for moms/dads who share the same heartbreak as I do. My son name is James he was born June 3,2005 and he passed away on August 17,2011 at the tender age of 6. Now, I am a mom of 4, 3 on earth 1 in heaven.
   
      I want to create a outlet for parents to have access to without leaving their home, or even getting out of their pajamas as well as writing therapy for myself. To lose a child is one of the hardest things to go through, I think. As I went through this process I was often told "you looking good for what you've been through" or "I dont know how you do it girl" oh and lets not forget the favorite, "you holding up well." If these were supposed to be words of encouragement, I'm here to tell you, it wasnt. I get it no one knows what to say in these kind of situations. Nothing will make that parent feel better but having their child back. I literally had no one to talk to that would understand anyway. I did the therapy every week, where I had to get out of bed, get dressed, pay my 15.00 co pay for grief counseling, just to drive back home in tears from my session. Now therapy is definitely a great outlet and should be tried first and foremost, my goal is just to create another.

     With this blog my goal is to connect with other parents who feel like no one understands their pain, I do. I will share the personal way I handled grief and hopefully interact with others who may share their stories. I've learned that writing has helped me outside of talking about it. Lets face it, it hurts saying some words out loud (ie: Death, Dead, Died) in association with a name so near and dear to you. So writing in a journal was and is my outlet, and now I want to share my journal with you.

     There is absolutely life after death and your child lives every single day through you. As long as I have breath in my body my son will live and as long as I can speak his name he will live. I'm hoping my journey and story will be a living testimony for someone else. When you feel like your at the bottom remember there is no where left to go but up. Love and Blessings to you all.